Sunday, September 25
bill cosby
on most mornings bill cosby isn't jolted awake by a pack of local urchins hurling day old muffins at his windows, but this isn't most mornings...
-INSET PICTURE HERE OF 'THE COS' holding a jello pudding cup if blogger were not being a jerk FACE!-
"Hey! You kids!" he yelled down from above, "what are you doing out there with the muffins and the yellings and the da-daaaaaa-ti-doooooo!?"
"What the hell does it look like we're doing?" one of the riff-raff replied. "We're thowing muffins at your windows, you stupid cosby jerk face!"
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Cosby was taken by suprise, he had not been called a jerk face by anyone for a while, maybe even a few days.
/\/\/\/\/\!!\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
... i don't know exactly where this is going... so lets just say the kids get caught in a bear trap and cosby skins and eats them... what was I saying?
and how are you this fine evening?
Friday, September 23
tom hanks whores for nasa
Well--
I'm done school for the semester. This means I don't have to return untill after Thanksgiving. This fact fills me with Glee. ALSO- I went to the IMAX today to watch Tom Hanks sell himself to N.A.S.A. and Lockheed Martin in his new movie "Magnificent Desolation". Really, this film could have been a 45 minute commercial for the space program... BUT it was in IMAX 3D... and nothing really beats getting lunar dust blasted into your eyeballs while eating 10 dollar popcorn, now does it?!
Tuesday, September 20
oh no! sneak attack!
Do you breath out of your mouth or your nose? I've found out that I breath out of my nose almost exclusively. My sinuses feel like a bus load of Turkish tourists have been packed into them and as a result I am unable to sleep. Whenever I start to pass out (often) I'm pulled back into cruel reality by the fact that I'm not actually breathing. I blame this entire cold on picking up a toy for some snot nosed brat on the subway last week and handing it back to him. Don't worry-I've learned my lesson. Next time I'll smash it with my foot and kick the pieces back at him (hopefully lodging in his eyes)!
If This Picture Needs A Caption Then
My Name Isn't Dr. David Suzuki!
Saturday, September 17
we're all made out of ticky-tacky
Well-
I'm not giving up yet! I went to visit my friend Colin at York University on Thursday night--- the intention was to go see a movie at the Film Festival but I forgot that York was in NORTHERN fucking ONTARIO so that didn't work out. By the time I figured out the new transit system it was almost time to be back downtown for the film. So, Colin rounded up his posse (which is defined as: your crew, your hommies, a group of friends, people who may or may not have your back For Example: Me an' my posse gonna hang tonite)and we went down to the Absinthe for a few stiff drinks (unfortunately- they do not serve absinthe). On the way back downtown some drunken dude puked on my pants while waiting for the subway... *cough* --- here is a picture of the tickets to the movie burning in an ashtray. Now-let us never speak of it again...
FYI: The Fumes Off Burning T.I.F.F. Tickets
Gets You Higher Than The Most Exotic Heroin!
Also-I've been watching the Showtime series "Weeds" and it's very good-if you like shows about pot dealing widows in affluent suburbs. You don't even have to feel bad about downloading it because we don't get Showtime up here in Canada---so get on it!
(side note: did you know the origin of the word posse comes from the latin phrase "posse comitatus" for "power of the county"?)
Wednesday, September 14
a quick review and... something else
I didn't post yesterday because I was out too late --- but SCREW the naysayers that tell me I will lose interest in keeping this Blog up to date... I will commit, right here and now, to at LEAST three more posts!"Bubble" Is Fucking Brilliant!
Okay- so I went to a screening of Steven Soderbergh's “Bubble” yesterday morning. It was far better than I could have hoped for. This film is a large departure from his more recent works (Oceans 11, Solaris). "Bubble" falls in nicely with “Sex, Lies, and Videotape” and “Schizopolis”. The story is set in poor middle America (lot's of Walmart's, McDonald's etc.) and really does an excellent job of transporting the audience into that world. It was shot on high end digital cameras and projected digitally at the festival. From the looks of the projection I saw I'm convinced that film (as a medium to produce motion pictures) is pretty much at an end. The images were jaw dropping. The entire cast was comprised of only locals (people that actually lived in the town). Soderbergh has proved to me that he can draw a performance out of ANYBODY that's just as good as a BRAD or a JULIA. This is the best thing I've seen at the T.I.F.F. thus far.
SOMETHING ELSE
Five things you didn't know about me...
1 } I am now formally recognized in the state of New Mexico as a licensed and practicing werewolf.
2 } Since my conversion to Scientology this summer, I have attained total enlightenment. I can control the matter that makes up the human mind, and have Tom Cruise and Beck on speed dial.
3 } My bowel control has dropped to the point I have to wear two pairs of Depends extra- protection undergarments at the same time.
4 } I had no knowledge that the Dungeons and Dragons game that I've been hosting meetings for in the basement is actually an Al-Quaeda sleeper cell.
5 } Despite reports in "O" Magazine stating the contrary, I have withdrawn my non-celebrity endorsement deal with Applebee's restaurants, and am now using my non-celebrity status to peddle Orange Julius and their new Strawberry Sensation fruit drink!
Monday, September 12
it's no "braindead" but...'
Only ONE Of 3423
Ways To Kill An Alien... On A Farm!
# 1435 : Weed Wacker To The Face!
First movie at the Toronto International Film Festival this morning. I'm sure this one is much better suited for the "Midnight Madness" program the T.I.F.F. has running but, damnit, I can't get back to Oakville that late! Anyway-the film is called “Jake West's : Evil Aliens”. I enjoyed it over all. The director was even kind enough to come in for a Q&A after the show (which doesn't happen at many public screenings). How to describe the movie.... It had all sorts of splattering of fluids (puss, shit, cum, and blood---lots of blood) It opened with an “ass drilling” sequence that I won't forget anytime soon. The picture and locations were beautiful (shot HD), that fact often seemed to conflict with the gore running down the screen. It seemed like this film was attempting to mimic some of Peter Jackson's or Sam Raimi's early work (shaky cam and all!). The only problem was it didn't have many of the interesting qualities of the characters in those films. The only performances that really stood out for me were the three actors playing the brutal and sadistic (yet strangely endearing) Welsh farmers. The rest of the cast seemed like a bunch of day player / stereotypes waiting to have their arms, heads, legs spines etc. etc. ripped off/out. The Jerry Springer homage that closes out the film also got a lot of laughs. Jake West introduced the film by saying he wanted the final poster to read “ Jake West's: Evil Aliens... three drink minimum”. In retrospect... that might have helped my enjoyment immensely.
Tomorrow it's Soderbergh's “Bubble” at 9:45 AM... they'd better be serving breakfast!
Sunday, September 11
sundays are like an ice cold enema
This Man Rides The Bus With Me
Every Morning. His Name Is
Marco. I Would Kill Him.
SONGS I WILL KILL PEOPLE TO
---------------------------
Even The Nights Are Better - Air Supply
One Sweet Day - Mariah Carey
Rock And Roll Part 2 - Gary Glitter
If You Leave Me Now - Chicago
Saturday, September 10
there's nothing wrong with me
Hello, I am STEVE
Hello, I am STEVE'S SCAB and TOENAIL CLIPPINGS
I suppose you want an explanation! Well--- You're not going to get one. Is there something wrong with collecting scabs?! I just did a Google search and based on the information I found it's a perfectly normal hobby (you can even buy scabs on ebay!)... So don't look at me like that! It took me a long time to go down to the basement and dig out my scab collection (it was wrapped up in Donut Mill wax paper). You'd better appreciate what you're looking at here (on a side note; it is very difficult to photograph scabs and toenail clippings).
Friday, September 9
when i try to stop taking my medication
the continuing expectorances of matheson geeriey (a.k.a. unicorns are pretty)
chapter 1
and so it was on that day that the mohichan terrorists realized what had come to pass. one by one, they put their weapons down and waved clutched fists at an angry ski.
"go tell tahiro that i would very much like to have a word with him before dinner. " she said.
melissa grinned and shined.
the moleman's solitary life is an uneventful one. why it deserves mention here, who's to say - obviously some people are going to lose their jobs on this one.
i can;t imagine what you did on your 337 million dollar payday. something stupid i'd presume, coming from you.
what on earth did you expect to accomplish with this one, ferris? well, principal jeffery jones, i believe the objective with this one was to give you some sort of psychosexual product of malnutrition?
Wednesday, September 7
never ever touch another dandies gun!
Big Hats, Big Guns And Lars Von Trier = Dear Wendy
So---- second post and I've already reached an impasse!
(cough)
Well--- Today I was in line for about five hours- but it wasn't as bad as I had imagined it would be. It's time, once again, for the Toronto International Film Festival! I smoked far more than I should have out of a total lack of anything better to do---Luckily, some of my classmates eventually joined me (uncommitted bastards!) and we scored some decent tickets. Most surprisingly, nothing I selected was sold out by the time I got to the front of the queue. Also--- I think that the volunteers are injected with something to make them forget that they are working for free. They were far too happy herding us around like cattle... Here's a list of what I'm excited about seeing.
Evil Aliens: It better be good Ben or you owe me twenty dollars.
Bubble: Steven Soderbergh's best film since “ Solaris”!